Comebacks: Versus
by Scarlet Phlame
Summary: In the whole town of Storybrooke, someone's bound to have a bone to pick with someone else. Now they can pick that bone, whatever that means, in the annual Comebacks/Guilttripping contest! Hosted by Henry because Granny paid him ten bucks to do it and sponsored by something. (I own nothing.) Short series! Snarky humor.
1. Snow vs Regina

"All right, so today, we're having a comeback or guilt tripping contest between Snow and Regina. Let's see how it goes," Henry said carefully. "Both contestants have been tied up, just in case."

"So, where to begin?" Regina sneered. "You killed my mother."

"Your mother killed my mother! And you killed my father! And that whole village of people who helped me!" Snow yelled.

"So?" Regina laughed. "Your Prince Charming snapped half my guard's necks. And you hunted on royal property!"

"That was my own property!" Snow yelled back.

"Stop throwing cheap accusations at me and get to the point," Regina said lazily.

"You're rude and mean and I hate you!" Snow pouted.

"Well, good to know our relationship is two-sided, 'cos I feel the same way about you, dear," Regina said with a grin, picking at a painted fingernail.

"I'm prettier than you," Snow said.

"Really? Who says so?"

"Charming," Snow said certainly.

"Has he even called you pretty ONCE in the entire series?" Regina asked seriously.

"No," Snow said slowly. "Not really..."

"My point, your husband doesn't love you anymore," Regina said coldly.

"Really?" Snow sniffed.

"Nobody loves you anymore, actually," Regina continued.

"WAAAAAH!" Snow whined.

"I guess Mom wins this round," Henry said warily. "Quite surprised. Sarcasm, yay."


	2. Regina vs Gold

"Okay, so, today Regina, my mom, Snow's mom, well, stepmom- oh, never mind. Just Regina and Gold will be showing off today in an epic battle of wits for comebacks and guilt tripping! So, let's get started!" Henry cheered.

"I thought today was a nice day, but then I saw your face," Regina started off.

"Aw, get a life, Regina," Gold said coolly.

"Get a good comeback," Regina said with a smirk.

"You wanna know why the chicken crossed the road?" Regina studied Gold carefully.

"Why?"

"To get away from you," Gold sneered.

"You should join the circus as a monkey in human clothing," Regina snapped back. "You have the manners of a gorilla."

"Are your parents siblings?"

"I'd rather they be siblings than you be my father," Regina said with a dark laugh.

"There's no need for the spontaneous trickery of words here, Regina," Gold said slowly.

"If you're trying to electrify me with your so-called voluminous vocabulary because you lack a pulchritudinous face, then I suggest you take your act where it will be more appreciated, such as the circus," Regina deadpanned cleverly.

Gold froze for a second, but his demeanor was back up again. "Did you get that line from a cheesy movie?"

"Your life is a cheesy movie," Regina said coolly. "And you should wipe that glitter off your face in the flashbacks. Despite what you think, Evil Regals are better than Rumbellers."

"Is this what everything's about? The fandom?"

"Oh, come on, Gold," Regina groaned. "If it wasn't for the fandom I would've killed you."

"Same here," Gold said quietly.

"Anyway," Regina said, clearing her throat. "You should get a new maid. Your Pawnshop is a mess."

"You should get a new stable boy," Gold said clearly.

"You should get a new face!" Regina shot back.

"You should get a new boyfriend!"

"You should get a new fandom!"

"You should get a new hairstyle and stop copying me!"

"You should-"

"IT'S A TIE!" Henry screamed. "Okay? IT'S A TIE! This is gonna last FOREVER! Regina and Gold tie."

"Fine," Regina groaned.

"Shake on it?" Gold suggested wryly.

"Of course," Regina said, reaching out and shaking his hand when something burned her. "OW!"

"Ha!" Gold laughed. "I gotcha again!" he ran out of the diner grinning and laughing maniacally.

"Not again!" Regina groaned. "He did the Wraith mark thingy on me again!"


	3. Charming vs Snow

This was the only prewritten document I had in the Doc manager and I have a tiny sliver of connection so... Enjoy!

* * *

"Okay!" Henry said cheerfully. "Today, Charming and Snow will be facing off at each other in an epic battle of comebacks and guilt tripping. Let's begin!"

"I don't like you, you hit me on the head with a rock when we met," Charming said steadily.

"Why would you say that, don't you love me?" Snow asked calmly.

"Of course I lo- I mean, no, of course not," Charming said quickly.

"What do you mean by that?" Snow asked.

"I said, I don't like you," Charming said, confused.

"Are you mad at me? Was it something I did lately?"

"No," Charming said simply. "It's a game. You know, a contest."

Snow stared at him blankly, her gaze never leaving his eyes as she stared him down.

"Stop that," Charming said, gulping nervously. "I didn't mean it. Really, I'm sorry!"

"Oh, of course it's okay," Snow said kindly. "You're my husband and I love you." Charming perked up noticeably.

"Really?"

"No, I was just saying that to make you feel better, but I actually really, really hate your guts," Snow snarled. Charming stared at her for a minute, before bursting into tears.

"It-it's not f-fair," he whimpered. "It was just a game! IT WAS JUST A GAME!"

"A game that Snow won," Henry commented slowly. "Wow, she really knows how to beat people at this."


	4. Snow vs Emma

"All right, so, let's get started. My mom, Emma, versus my grandmom, Snow," Henry announced. "This is a comeback/guilttripping contest, so let's see who wins. I'm betting on Emma because Snow is scared of paper and getting papercuts."

"You suck!" Emma started off quickly.

"Emma, why would you say that?" Mary Margaret was very sincere in her tone.

"Because it's true!" Emma blurted.

"What did I do to make you feel this way, sweetheart?" Mary Margaret asked innocently.

"You do realize this is a contest, right?" Emma deadpanned.

"Of course, darling. Do you want to talk about it? Why are you acting so cruel?" Mary Margaret asked.

"Because it's the rules!" Emma exploded. "We're supposed to be mean to each other!"

"Honey, you never have to be mean to anyone," Mary Margaret said, beaming brightly. "Now, what is the matter? You can tell me anything."

"I said, it's a game," Emma groaned. "And I really want to win."

"Why do you want to win?" Mary Margaret asked sweetly.

"Because it feels good!" Emma yelled.

"Oh, honey, you don't have to win anything," Mary Margaret said kindly.

"I know, but I really wanna win!" Emma whined, putting on a pouty face.

"Why do you want to win? To prove yourself to others?" Mary Margaret questioned.

"Yeah," Emma whined, wanting to give Mary Margaret a big hug. She was so understanding.

"Well, then, SCREW YOU!" Mary Margaret yelled, causing Emma to jump, then burst into tears.

"I guess Grandma wins," Henry said, shocked.

"Come on, Henry, let's go home and feed the birdies!" Mary Margaret cheerfully said. "I feel like bird pie tonight."


	5. Regina vs Emma (Last chapter)

"All right, get ready," Henry said with a sigh. Emma had insisted on this, but she obviously had no clue what she was getting herself into. "The very first- and hopefully last- guilt-tripping/comeback contest ever," he spoke clearly. "Ready... go!"

"You're... weird," Emma said simply. Regina scoffed.

"You've dragged me all the way out of my house to say such a mediocre comment? Really, Miss Swan, what is your intention?" Regina asked coldly.

"Well that's not fair!" Emma pouted.

"I'm sorry, Miss Swan? I can't hear you through three feet of incompetence," Regina said brutally, a smirk playing across her lips.

"I am NOT three feet of incompetence," Emma said, stomping her foot. "Besides, I only have two feet."

"If your ultimate goal here is to sling unruly comments towards myself then I feel terribly sorry for you," Regina said coolly.

"I don't... like you," Emma said. "You look like something that died. And has been dead for a while."

Henry face-palmed.

"Good to know, Miss Swan!" Regina said cheerfully. "Do you tell everyone that? I'm sure your mother would be very proud if she could hear these words coming out of your mouth."

"Grr," Emma growled. She leaned over and whispered in Henry's ear. "Who's winning?"

"Regina," Henry answered simply. Emma jumped up and straightened up.

"Regina, I don't like you. You're mean to very many people," Emma said.

"Oh, haven't you looked in the mirror recently?" Regina asked quickly, with a devilish grin. "Unless you have no reflection because you're a vampire. You do come across as a bloodsucker. Well, mainly a sucker, that is."

"...I... am NOT a vampire," Emma said certainly.

"I am very sure you are not, Miss Swan, although your behavior suggests it," Regina said coolly.

"This isn't fair!" Emma said, picking up her shoe and throwing it across the room.

"I hope this means this is over, Miss Swan. Good day." Regina led Henry out of the diner cheerfully.


End file.
